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25 July 2010 @ 05:32 pm
How do I fix my head?  
Hello again. If you keep up with me on Facebook or have seen my latest entry, you will know that I have relocated to Huntsville, AL. I haven't exactly been having the time of my life here. But I guess moving always sucks. I can imagine it being a very exciting experience for those who are moving to a place that they love. These past couple weeks have been very, very hard for me. Just so many issues have been plaguing me lately, and for the past week I had been getting some horrible headaches.

Just yesterday my first and eldest cat, Meeko passed away. This post is about him. I am aware of the many people who are insensitive about the loss of a pet. There are even people who argue that pets don't love us -- rather, they only stay with us because we provide them with food and shelter. We can agree to disagree. If you are one of the aforementioned individuals or you're more of a picture person than a reader(some intense reading awaits, trust me), you can continue your internet routine. But if you are interested in sharing some(MANY) thoughts with me, read on.

Yesterday afternoon is when I found out that Meeko wasn't doing so well. He lived with my brother after I moved from Virginia, so my sister in law took him to the vet. Conclusively, Meeko's body had finally begin to shut down on him. He was teeming with ailments which we hadn't known about before. Who knows for how long he had been quietly suffering?

We were told the best thing to do is let him go and put him down. We did. I was so devastated and hysterical. I've known for a while that Meeko was reaching the ultimate life span of an indoor cat, but I just couldn't stand the fact that I couldn't be there with him when he went away. I've witnessed death before. I've experienced watching someone I love take their last breath. Many people aren't able to deal with being in such a situation, which is why my brother chose not to be with Meeko when he passed. But I... I just couldn't stand not being there with him. I need to feel him one last time. Touch him and tell him in person that I love him. It's not enough to just "imagine" that he knows my feelings and that he can see me now. I thought about all those times when we were younger, my brother and I would pretend that we were crying and Meeko would always come to comfort us. And I tried to imagine that even though I couldn't be with him, maybe he's comforting me now as I cry.

I tried to be optimistic and think about all the good times we've had. I've spent most of my life with him; he is just as important as one of my best friends. For a while I was worried for his soul. Yeah, maybe I watch too much Ghost Hunters and the ghost encounter shows on Animal Planet. And it may be pretty "crazy cat lady" of me, but I believe animals have souls. What I meant when I said I was worried for his soul, is that I was worried that maybe he probably didn't realize what was going on and his spirit got stuck at the vet. What if his spirit is stuck on earth and he doesn't know how to find us? Did he make it safely to heaven? I know it might all sound so silly. I eventually got over it and realized that if he didn't realize he was supposed to go to heaven, maybe he followed my brother home.

Yes, I am sad. But I am glad that I was able to experience the joy of having Meeko in my life. I'm greatful that my brother took care of him when I couldn't.

There's just a certain concept that I cannot grasp. I remember telling my mom at my grandpa's funeral that she shouldn't grieve over his body. I explained that the body we saw in front of us is not him; we think we are looking at him, but little do we know he is watching us. The body we see was just a vessel for his soul to use while on earth. It was so easy for me to be content with that thought. But now I no longer comprehend the words that I once said. See, all those little physical things about Meeko that I have always adored are no more. That spot on his shoulder, his snoring, the pattern on his tail that inspired his name. And my favorite: his paws. I cherished those things so much. And now.... now, I'm supposed to accept the fact that that is no longer him? Every part of him that I adored is slowly but surely decaying now. All those things I loved are just flesh and bone. I know I'm being silly again. But it's just so hard to understand this notion that I once spoke of. It's going to take a long while, but my heart will heal and just be content with the fact that Meeko is happy where he is. Maybe even messing with God's feet when he's sitting on the crapper just like he used to do with me. But for now, my heart is very much broken.

It may seem like I still make jokes during times like this, but I don't really mean to make funny jokes. That's just how my thought process is. It's not funny in my head, but it's probably worth a giggle to someone else. Here are some questions I posed to Jojo. Mind you, I was very serious when I asked these, but now I guess I can see the humor in it.

- can spirits teleport??
- does God have feet?
- do you think Meeko is a young kitty again in heaven, or is he stuck as an old man?

And lastly because music helps me heal, this song describes exactly how I feel, right down to the feel of the music. Exactly. Exactly.

 
 
Listening to: The Killers - Goodnight, Travel Well
 
 
 
Amandasupinternets on July 26th, 2010 02:28 pm (UTC)
Lani, I am so sorry. I understand how much it hurts to loose a pet, it is like loosing a child or a sibling. Meeko was lucky to have someone that valued his life so much, and that obviously loved him a lot. Hang in there and stay strong, keep Meeko alive in your memories.
Lanieat_juice on August 5th, 2010 06:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you <3